It’s Super Bowl week in Indianapolis!! You’ve probably heard.

I live safely 30 minutes away from all of the festivities and I haven’t exactly planned on making any excursions downtown. So if you’re sick of reading about Super Bowl stuff… you’re in the right place?

I have my reasons for not being particularly excited about the Super Bowl. 1) It’s my birthday. Not the Super Bowl. My birthday. 2) Clusters are next week. 3) I just don’t like football. [I will be kicked out of America by tomorrow.] But anyway, with it being my birthday, I specifically requested that the Super Bowl occurring in my city of residence go down as such: the Bengals (particularly Andy Dalton) performing my high school marching band’s senior year show, Vertigo. But no. I didn’t get that. FINE.

I know it’s all really exciting, and JIMMY FALLON CAME TO BUTLER, and all these famous people are about and that’s awesome, but all of the festivities are infringing upon my birthday, and I doubt Eli Manning got me anything.

Oh Eli, I can’t stay mad at you. But seriously next year I want a Volvo.