This is an emergency.

So the Zodiac changed, right? I thought, “HEY! I don’t give a hoot! Mine probably didn’t even change anyway!”

One day, you wake up an Aquarious, and the next, you’re a Capricorn.

But I think I should look at the positives of this, and not the negatives–like how the “Age of Aquarious” can no longer be my theme song, and Weird Al’s horoscopes song for Aquarious can no longer inspire me.

Aquarious:

A travel is in your future when your tongue freezes to the back of a speeding bus. Fill that void in your pathetic life by playing whack-a-mole 17 hours a day.

POUT.

But look. Capricorns are cool, I guess. Their symbol is a giant goat with a mermaid tail, which gives us the best of both worlds: the petting zoo and mythological sea creatures. These are things I can really get behind and support.

Aquarious is represented by somebody dumping water out of a ceramic pot. That’s really wasteful, guys. I’m glad this goatmaid’s got my back and respects the environment.

…. Wait a minute. According to CNN, my zodiac sign hasn’t changed. IN A WORLD FILLED WITH UNCERTAINTY, WHICH INTERNET NEWS SOURCE OBTAINED VIA GOOGLE SEARCH DO I BELIEVE?

I really talked myself into the goatmaid…

I'll call him George and I will hug him and squeeze him and never let him go!