Today, I mentally deteriorated a little bit. My mind and body is a ball of stress, and I feel as if all my brain cells detached themselves from my brain wall and started fizzing like a shaken carbonated drink, then started buzzing around my brain knocking into each other. Woof.
This brainbashing started today at noon. I went to a discussion about spirituality and religion in relation to gender and sexuality, hoping for some cool insights and stories from likeminded individuals. This conversation did indeed start that way, but then the bigger issue of inclusivity and diversity on Butler’s campus became the focus. I am aware that Butler is not the most diverse campus, and I do believe that for a liberal arts school, it is pretty conservative. A lot of the individuals at the discussion said that they feel that Butler is not a totally welcoming environment for diverse individuals and this campus does not embrace diversity as it should. Since I have never personally felt seriously excluded since I’ve been here, I had never seriously thought about the effect this might have on people who have experienced this exclusion. Hearing people speak of specific ways in which this university is exclusive made me very upset. It is so fundamentally wrong for students to be at a school they chose to attend and not feel totally welcome, embraced, accommodated, and free to be themselves. There is no reason this campus can’t be inclusive and welcoming to everyone. The fact people experienced something otherwise makes me want to cry and simultaneously punch someone in the mouth. After this discussion, I left feeling very unsettled and upset by how this exclusion is clearly a real problem students feel.
Right after that, I had to figure out my schedule for next semester and head off to my advising appointment to register for next year’s classes. I always get really overwhelmed with all of the possibilities of classes to take because I honestly never want to stop learning or being around intelligent people who love learning as much as I do. Since I was already flustered, I was even more flustered as I tried to sort out my schedule. Once I got to my appointment and started talking to my advisor, she told me I could easily graduate a semester early. She also asked if I had thought about going to grad school. Both of these things freaked me out since I never even considered graduating early since I want to take as many classes and learn as much as possible, and grad school is an overwhelming, intimidating thing in itself. That obviously rustled my feathers even more. She also told me I need to figure out internships and whatnot and basically start planning and thinking about being a real person because it’s coming sooner than I think. I really hate that. I don’t know what I want to do with my life, and once it’s time for me to do stuff with it, I don’t want to just do one thing forever. Like I said, I get overwhelmed with my desire to constantly learn new things and be around smart people, so naturally when it comes to thinking of a career, I am clueless. I know that I absolutely want to do something with art and writing, and I want to be able to create things that make people feel good and inspired, but beyond that I don’t know.
I feel like my brain is whirling with a miniature hurricane and my thoughts and ideas about my current life and future are spilling out of me and floating all over the room in front of my face. I just feel very overwhelmed and lost. I obviously know I will figure my shiz out, as I always do, but it’s okay that I’m freaking out about all this now. It means that I care about my happiness and future and those around me. It means that the things I’m involved in and the people I’m around matter and are important.
I didn’t write this as a means of complaining at all, although it was a good release to write out everything I’m feeling, but I wrote it to show that heck yeah I’m struggling and confused, but if you are too, that’s okay. We’re not supposed to know what we’re doing, and it’s okay if the situations we’re in aren’t perfect. If everything was perfect, there would be nothing to fight for, no progress or change, and no source of inspiration to keep doing stuff. Moral of the story: I’m obviously unsettled from the talk earlier, and I’m obviously flustered and lost in regards to my future, but I’m glad I’m feeling these things. It means I care about where I am, and I want to make the environment I’m in the best it can be.
That was pretty heavy, and maybe cheesy, but this is my blog and I can write about what I want. Xoxo, Gossip Bekah.
Have a great weekend and maybe take some time to meditate. Thanks for reading